It seems that it is not until you are removed from the situation that you begin to see it for what it really is. You never really see things for what they are until you take a step back and look at it from the outside in. So I’ve been taking steps back, slowly but surely and I’m beginning to see for the first time. I’ve been wearing glasses since the sixth grade but i just started to see 8 years later. And I’m choosing and realizing and deciding.. I’m seeing the people who have been around me, those who have been there forever and those who joined this week. I’m looking at the things i have done in my past and what i am doing now. and i’m not sure where I’m going with this except for the fact that i’m SEEing and TAKEing in life for what it is and in the process of it all I’m learning who I am as well and I’m liking this person.

I have been spending a lot of time with ME and the little life that i’m slowly carving out for myself is nice. I like it. I never thought i would say this but a life of solitude is not so bad after all. I get up early in the morning and go to work. I may work all day but that’s OK because this is what I want to do. There, i do my job but i also meet new people and have conversations with people i never thought possible. I get off one job and go to the next where i am alone in the office but its ok because i get my work done and being alone in the big ass building lets me think and gives me a chance to be one with my thoughts.
I come home, and i usually cook a meal, get online to see what catastrophes took place while i was in my thoughts and then i take a long shower that washes away my sins for the day and i get in bed with my book and this is how i finish the day. and it is ok, and i am happy. This new apartment has been my little heaven. It is slowly becoming my great wall of china, the one thing that separates me from the crazy happenings in my life and those happening outside my window. Most of the time i am here alone and I’m not complaining.

You know it used to be that I loved being around people. I loved to be there with others, doing what they do, being a part of the scene and all. I was not a follower, i just loved being around others. but this life bought about too many drama. I hate it. I am so sick of the issues that people have with one another and the bullshit that they fight over and lose each other over. I hate people who do not learn from their own mistakes, for people who do not treat others the way human beings should care for each other and i am not saying that i am a saint but i guess i am just tired. When you’re young, you’re innocent, not because you do not understand but because you view everyone as good. And i have grown up in a violent world and as i get older i am beginning to see a cycle of this life and i don’t want to be a part of it.

i know my thoughts are not very coherent or they do not really go hand in hand right now, but i have so many things running through my head right now that i don’t know what I’m trying to say, where to start….. but all i DO KNOW is that i’m learning my place in this world and how i fit into the big picture and what i thought i wanted out of life yesterday is not what i want today and i am just now beginning to see and understand that. and all it took was for me to stop, step back and see.

so for now while the rest of the world eats itself alive. I’ll be here in my lovely apartment, and my books and what i call my little heaven. and for now that is ok, because it is the only thing in this world right now that is not disappointing me.

and no spell check was performed on this entry because no spell check is ever performed on the thoughts from which these words came from.