Senior year woot woot!!!

It has finally started and I’ve already crossed off two weeks. How is it going so far? It’s going amazingly great. Yea, that well. I am taking 15 credits and I can actually say that I am ahead in all of my classes or at least right along with the class. That is an accomplishment considering most students fall behind within their first semester. I also have a j-o-b! I am a night clerk at a residence hall so that means getting paid to do homework, crossword puzzles, hang out with friends and study for my G.R.E ( by the way, I need to get back on that asap)! Working overnight means plenty of time to take care of much needed business. It’s not the best paying job either, but right now, it’s the best job I can have.

On the socializing part, it comes after school and work and my workout. Which is also going well. I haven’t got on the scale, nor do I want to, but I feel very different and even though others say they notice a change, I don’t yet. But I decided that I do not want to gain any muscle weight, just slim down dramatically, so all I do now is cardio, cardio, cardio. I am not eating as well as I should be though. In fact, I am not eating much at all. It may be because of my weird schedule but I am sometimes forgetting to eat! I am in need of a trip to the grocery store for some protein, protein and fiber! But this semester, if anyone is looking for me, I will either be at the gym, class, work, or the lab and that’s it.

I am still making some time for my friends, but I realize that there is so much I need to work out in my life and that is my main focus. I will turn 22 later this month and I realize that I can’t keep waiting until tomorrow to take care of some important things in my life and that no one will do it for me. Why wait until tomorrow when I can do it today right? So I’ve put a small blueprint of my future down, and i am trying to live by it as much as i can. I know that the only plan you can count on in life is to be surprised because plans hardly ever go the way we want them to, but at the same if you have no idea where you are going, how will you get there?

To say the least, these last couple of days have been about me making some big girl decisions. I am trying to turn my life around for the better but I realize I will have to make some sacrifices along the way. Time to be accountable for myself and stop complaining about things.

I almost lost my train of thought just now. I promise to write more and do so soon. As long as I can get to you at least once a week, then I’m doing great. A bientot.

If you are Rwandan, then you know that summers mean weddings, wedding outfits and lots of traveling. I am Rwandan and have received five wedding invitations for this summer alone. Crazy to some but that is what we do.

Even in a recession, I will always find the time and few pennies to go share in someone’s special day who invites me. This past weekend, one of my friends got married and I was proud to say that I was a part of it. The wedding was beautiful, simple and it was what they wanted. Congrats to Grace and Joel.

While I was there, watching the bride and groom vow to be each others’ until the end of their days, I started thinking. No surprise there, my mind sometimes works too fast for me.

In a country where marriage is becoming more and more of a joke, I am glad to see that not everyone feels that way. It’s refreshing to see that people still believe in long-term commitments. I am fortunate that I am part of a culture that has not forgotten the true meaning of marriage and lifelong partners. We all mostly come from two-parent homes and we have seen the love that two people can share and how to keep that candle burning for years. Maybe if people in the U.S., for example, could see this then maybe they would start believing again. It’s sad when you’re own parents have been had three or four marriages and no seems to stay together past their one-year anniversary. How is my generation supposed to keep hope alive?

Anyways, this past weekend was great because I was also reunited with old friends. Sometimes, the distance between people affects their relationships in a negative way and I was glad to see people I only see at occasions like weddings in the summer.

I am going to another one in Chicago next weekend and I am even more excited. This is all a bit weird because the people getting married are no longer the older relatives that you only hear from on holidays. These are people my age who are growing up, starting their lives and settling down. Not to long ago we were all young, carefree and thought marriage to be a thing in the far, far, future. Now I am getting invitations left and right and I am amazed at how things change and how fast time moves.

I think it was the combination of all these thoughts and realizations that made me shed a tear at this past wedding. Who would have thought? Me, Roseline, crying at weddings? But it happened and I may as well start carrying tissues with me from now on.

Ah, weddings in the summer, bring them on!
Maybe one day, I’ll talking about my own.

I have this hidden dream of capturing moments as they happen. I want to show you people the things through my eyes, as literally as possible. After spending some time some of the most talented photojournalists, I want to try my turn at it. Just as a hobby but I will not shy away from anything more.

Anyway, I’m hoping to get that on my birthday or earlier. We shall see.

The big idea behind socialization is learning the rules early in the games so that we know how to play it and which position to hold later when it is game time. The rules later become the things we are expected to do, to say, the way we are expected to act in order to stay in the game or really, in order to belong or to fit into the big picture which is life. It is so crazy to think that it starts so early in our lives and that the big idea is what we need to know so that we can later fit into society and belong. And it is so crazy to me how we, as humans, feel such a strong need to belong, that we do not not really question why this is so important in the first place. We work so hard to be a part of the group and do and feel as others do that we never really take the time to work on our ourselves and who we are and get a chance to embrace our uniqueness (if it even exists).

I hate losing friends. Everytime I have an argument or incident with someone that results in our friendship ending, I panic. I start to think about how alone I will be and that I will become a loner and have no one there. I feel like I am breaking a rule. Even though I have other friends and family and other poeple that care about me, that one person now lost makes me feel like I will end up alone. It’s sad how we are socialized to think we have to be part of a bigger group and constandly accepted that we lose our individuality and ability to live and be happy on our own without the approval of others. We depend on these people we call friends and/or peers that we will almost do anything to keep them around for fear of not belonging to something or someone.
Well, I am over that.

2008 and some 2009 so far have a time of “spring cleaning”. I am slowly letting go of those poeple in my life who really have no business there. I am beginning to see people for who they really are and their ways and I am no longer scared of not having them around me. I no longer need to no belong so bad that I would keep them around just for that benefit. Sometimes you have to walk the road less travelled and do your own thing and what makes you happy, even if that means losing some people in your life. Because, honestly I’m beginning to realize that “those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind”, as cliche as that sounds, it makes the most sense right now. I am 21 years old and I am trying to start a life for myself, grow up and live my life. And I often find myself being held back by people I should call friends because they may not necessarily agree with the direction my life is taking. Like an idiot, I sometimes stop and listen to their objections, even when I know better.

That is changing now and it is both scary and exciting. I am excited to see what I can do and who I can be when I finally feel free enough to do so. And I am prepared to lose those poeple from my life because I do not have to belong to something. I don’t need to belong to a group to be happy or accepted or “normal”. That is just the false thought we are forced to adopt early in life and in “recess”. I’m realizing that is is ok to carve out your own path and walk it alone and be confident in myself that I will make it. I am so glad I could finally get that off of my chest. Amazing how liberating words can truly be sometimes.

It seems that it is not until you are removed from the situation that you begin to see it for what it really is. You never really see things for what they are until you take a step back and look at it from the outside in. So I’ve been taking steps back, slowly but surely and I’m beginning to see for the first time. I’ve been wearing glasses since the sixth grade but i just started to see 8 years later. And I’m choosing and realizing and deciding.. I’m seeing the people who have been around me, those who have been there forever and those who joined this week. I’m looking at the things i have done in my past and what i am doing now. and i’m not sure where I’m going with this except for the fact that i’m SEEing and TAKEing in life for what it is and in the process of it all I’m learning who I am as well and I’m liking this person.

I have been spending a lot of time with ME and the little life that i’m slowly carving out for myself is nice. I like it. I never thought i would say this but a life of solitude is not so bad after all. I get up early in the morning and go to work. I may work all day but that’s OK because this is what I want to do. There, i do my job but i also meet new people and have conversations with people i never thought possible. I get off one job and go to the next where i am alone in the office but its ok because i get my work done and being alone in the big ass building lets me think and gives me a chance to be one with my thoughts.
I come home, and i usually cook a meal, get online to see what catastrophes took place while i was in my thoughts and then i take a long shower that washes away my sins for the day and i get in bed with my book and this is how i finish the day. and it is ok, and i am happy. This new apartment has been my little heaven. It is slowly becoming my great wall of china, the one thing that separates me from the crazy happenings in my life and those happening outside my window. Most of the time i am here alone and I’m not complaining.

You know it used to be that I loved being around people. I loved to be there with others, doing what they do, being a part of the scene and all. I was not a follower, i just loved being around others. but this life bought about too many drama. I hate it. I am so sick of the issues that people have with one another and the bullshit that they fight over and lose each other over. I hate people who do not learn from their own mistakes, for people who do not treat others the way human beings should care for each other and i am not saying that i am a saint but i guess i am just tired. When you’re young, you’re innocent, not because you do not understand but because you view everyone as good. And i have grown up in a violent world and as i get older i am beginning to see a cycle of this life and i don’t want to be a part of it.

i know my thoughts are not very coherent or they do not really go hand in hand right now, but i have so many things running through my head right now that i don’t know what I’m trying to say, where to start….. but all i DO KNOW is that i’m learning my place in this world and how i fit into the big picture and what i thought i wanted out of life yesterday is not what i want today and i am just now beginning to see and understand that. and all it took was for me to stop, step back and see.

so for now while the rest of the world eats itself alive. I’ll be here in my lovely apartment, and my books and what i call my little heaven. and for now that is ok, because it is the only thing in this world right now that is not disappointing me.

and no spell check was performed on this entry because no spell check is ever performed on the thoughts from which these words came from.